Saying Goodbye to Jordan - Part 1
About 18 months ago, I could tell something was shifting.
My husband and I started talking about the possibility that one day we might leave Amman, Jordan, our home of 10 years, and transition back to life in the United States. Even though it was all hypothetical at first, I felt a weight drop in my stomach. I knew the time was right, and that the biggest transition of my life was coming.
Even though I’ve been an expat for 15 years, I don’t love change. I like stability. My mom still lives in the house that I grew up in, and something inside me loves that. After spending a decade in Amman, I feel pretty stable in the Middle East. I’m sure that may sound impossible to many, but it feels deeply true to me.
If you haven’t lived overseas, you might be wondering, “What’s the big deal? Isn’t it easier to go back ‘home’?” But if you are an expat, you know that “home” is not such a simple concept. In fact, repatriating to your passport country is often much harder than adapting to a totally new cultural context.
During my time abroad, I’ve often been comforted by the stories of other expats, so I’d like to share my story as we say goodbye to Jordan and hello to the USA. I’ll warn you, this is not a road I’ve traveled before, so I can’t say I know what’s coming. But I do believe that every change offers the opportunity for transformation…so with all my questions and uncertainties, I’ll do my best to be open to that potential.
Our flight leaves in just 27 days, and people often ask me how I’m doing. The truth is, that I experience a different emotion every 20-30 minutes:
I’m incredibly excited for this new stage of life, and I feel so sure, deep within me, that this is the right next step for our family.
I’m nervous to leave this life I know, where I’m comfortable, known and knowledgeable and start in a new place as the new kid in town.
I’m energized by the sorting and organizing that will take place in preparation for our departure (because I LOVE to pack and repack and sort and organize).
I’m deeply thankful for the amazing decade spent in this beautiful place and in awe of everything that has happened over the past 10 years.
I’m wary that I’m in a delicate space - and with so much change and transition I need to give myself extra margin to take care of myself.
I’m doubtful I’ll be able to actually reserve the space I need with so much to do and endless todo lists.
I’m glad that we have the opportunity to leave well, with time to say goodbye to those we care about and process all that this transition means. I recognize other expats don't have that luxury and it makes transition much more difficult.
And I’m sad…so very sad…to lose the amazing community we have here. (Expect more on this in a future blog because the bond with other expats is real, and I’ve been blessed with the best of the best)
Maybe you’re an expat wondering what it might be like to repatriate. Or maybe you know and love expats and want to better understand what it’s like for them to transition back. Either way, I welcome you to check back here for updates over the next few months.
So let's see if I can practice what I preach during this upcoming transition. Will I be able to be kind to myself? Soak in every moment as much as possible? Keep a handle on my self-expectation and just take things as they come?
What I know today is that I’m hopeful. And I’ll surround myself with support, buffers in my schedule for personal time, and extra falafel and hummus to make the most of our last 4 weeks in Jordan.
